Thursday, October 23, 2014

Regardless of the Answers




So... I'm currently reading "I'll be Right There" by Shin Kyung Sook (which I so dearly love, very very much), and I came across this one sentence in the book the other day:

"You should only ask someone if they love you if you love them, regardless of what their answers might be."
(Jung Yoon, p. 60)

I dogeared this page. 

Well, I've dogeared a lot of pages in the book anyway, with so many highlights here and there (that's how I treat a book I love, by making them appear so well-loved). I even copied 2 passages from the book and pasted them in my thick notebook. 

But reading the one sentence above again and again, there's something in it that strikes a chord with me. It makes me remember someone - someone I once liked, really really liked but now no longer (it's been years, he has his own life but nonetheless I somewhat still occasionally remember him, and how we were once). Well, he never knew about my feelings back then. I kept it hidden, unsaid, though doubtlessly somewhat both of us actually knew. I wasn't sure about his feelings though, but I had my own suspicion. 

If I were to be given a chance to meet him again, should I say to him that I'd once liked him very much? Regardless of what his answers would be? Could I do that? 

Now that I think of it, if the moment was right, I think I would. And could. Just for the sake of saying what once I held so dearly, that it had once been real to me. Even though it's late. 

Right?

Monday, October 6, 2014

Disappointed.

When it's not only one person who makes me disappointed but two... three perhaps, until it just seems to me that everyone in my life decided to conspire against me to make me feel immensely miserable... would it be so wrong of me then if I started to ask myself pathetic questions... whether I'm just that weak, so quick to succumbing myself to sadness? 

Whether I'm not that valuable, that people just disregard me and my thoughts easily? 

Whether I'm just selfish for having set a bar of expectations or wishes, although I only keep them within myself, unsaid? 

Or is it precisely because I don't show my feelings openly and honestly, and only resort to joking about it that it eventually sends the wrong signal to people? 

Or is it because I'm just too sensitive, too quick to judge people when they themselves actually do not have any intention to disappoint me? 

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Poetry in Pictures?

I really love Instagram, you see, and the no. 1 reason would be because of the lovely feeds that I get to see from users all over the world. The feeds I'll always enjoy looking are those of food and travel (mainstream enough?) and illustration and architecture!

Seeing the streams of beautiful pictures everyday, I came to realize one thing I didn't know before.

The Earth is naturally studded with a lot of interesting, beautiful gem-like places (of course that's common knowledge). While Grand Canyon or the range of the Apls or the stretch of glaciers that you can spot in Greenland are truly unbeatable sights that would make you breathless as you wish you could be there, in the real location, and be the one taking pictures of the majestic wonder yourself (because they are sublime, like Alain de Botton also mentioned in his book "The Art of Travel") (which of course, would also make stunning photographs), I think I find my preference in looking at a photo that has a composition of civilization in it. 

Civilization, or the remnants of civilization, in the same picture with nature - no matter how small, how insignificant it would look like against the greatness, wholeness of nature itself.

One example, something like the ruins of Machu Picchu. Yes, all that's left in this place may be only skeletons of stone walls, built high on and around mountain peaks. But still, humans used to live in this place; they existed. The legacy of their age and cultures, though, are forever imprinted against the jaw-dropping backdrop of nature, a beauty that seems so ethereal.

Or the villages in Cinque Terre, Italy, where the houses were built against the terraced cliff on a steep landscape. The coastal towns overlook the Mediterranean sea, the walls and roofs of its houses are constantly beaten by the sun and weather and wind; and there's even a potential danger of landslide. But still, the overall picture of it is that, humans strive to survive in order to live in this world, alongside with nature.

There's poetry in such pictures, don't you think so?

At least, that's what I think.




Monday, September 15, 2014

The Day I Almost Reached My Breaking Point

I was crying this morning during the ride to work. I cried because of all different reasons, because of the exhaustion, the helplessness I (still) have every time I'm made - forced - to face the frustrating situations in my family, and then work, and then my dreams, what I want in this life, my future, what I'm expected to do and what I have, need to do, what I'm lacking and what I don't have in me, what I can't do and all the inhibitions and limitations that fence me in.

Suddenly I just cried. The tears held, they didn't fall for the first good 3 to 5 minutes or so. But in the end, they fell. One stream, two. But that was it.

But it was enough.

Strange.

Because I was so fed up at that time, suffocating almost to the point of breaking. For a miserable moment, I felt so incompetent and weak, all hopes crushed down that I felt numb and dumb and forlorn. I became so small; the hurt then doubled or quadrupled because I also felt so unimportant. I was nothing. Someone unremarkable and forgettable.

My thoughts made my own self secluded.

Then it turned into a self-pitying session.

Scary how feelings could become so alive; a breathing, living thing, an unimaginable creature that will drag you under and tear you apart without any mercy.

But stranger more is that, those dark feelings, only this morning so pronounced and profound, have now become something so distant and far away. Leaving a trace, indeed, but so little, barely recognizable. Now that I think about it, perhaps it was because I was crying during the ride, with passing, all changing scenery in front of me. And then behind me. The clouds, the sun was up overhead. It was all moving. People briskly walked to work, cars and public transportation and trucks and motorcycles and bicycles crowded the streets. People picking up their kids from school. Public workers fixing the electricity poles. Vegetable and fruit suppliers dropping goods to a certain seller in the traditional market. The usual, familiar sight, it's what you call daily life.

The ordinariness of it, perhaps, was what had calmed me down a little. Was it in fact a distraction? I don't know what it was exactly, but it made me come to terms with myself faster than I'd imagined I would. One thing I know for sure, it would've turned out differently if I'd cried in a confined room, surrounded by still, unchanging furniture. It would've turned out messy.

And besides, I saw a Greenfields Milk truck passing beside me. The picture of milk, rolling green fields and its tagline "100% Honest Milk: Our Cows Don't Lie" painted on its body made me smile. Well, it was the tagline that made me smile, actually. Really. First smile of the day.

And later, the sadness didn't stay. I may be thinking about it again later when I'm about to sleep at night. But at least, now, I'm feeling fine. Not light, not really free of weights, but just adequately fine.

But that is enough.



Wednesday, August 13, 2014

The Way We See Things Makes a Difference

Guess you really can't stop yourself to envy others, huh. No matter how nonchalant you make yourself to be, no matter how unconcerned you try to look in front of other people. Despite of all the efforts, you really can't fool your own heart, let alone suppress the bitterness of it.

You envy those who get better opportunities, or even opportunities that you wouldn't dream of having in the first place. Your friend gets married early, right after college graduation, with a Korean guy and they seem to lead a content life in Korea. Or another who already expects her second baby. And another who frequently travels overseas just because she has money. Your ex who's now in a relationship with a beautiful girl (prettier than you are) and that they might already talk about taking their relationship into something more serious. Engagement? Marriage? This friend who has settled down in one of the most expensive cities in the world and now has a job there. That friend who pursues education to America and seems to have fun most of the times (at least from the pictures on Facebook). Or your female cousin who is a popular brainy, excelled in drawing and playing guitar and singing and not to mention, has a combination of model-like figure because she's fond of swimming with a beautiful face. Or that cousin who has a successful career history and is still in the process of making it even more glimmering.

Suddenly you feel so stressed out, so frightened, insecure of your own future, you start having doubts all over and all these mounting doubts make you feel so little, so discouraged.

Well, now I'll be honest:
1. The above examples are actually based on real people... in my circle of friends.
2. Which is why... I have had these moments before. Feeling discouraged and all, stupidly comparing myself with others.

But it'll be never ending, you see, if you keep your eyes on them. On other people. No one didn't really tell me how I handle and manage these feelings; I guess I just figured out by my own at that time, that:
1. I can be awesome too!
2. If you have that so much time to feel envious of other people, why don't you use that time instead to look into yourself?
3. Because well, it IS your OWN life. Care about yours more! I think it is definitely alright to have a certain degree of egocentrism in us.

How we see things, will make a difference.



Thursday, June 5, 2014

Invisible Cities by Italo Calvino


Title: Invinsible Cities
Author: Italo Calvino, with translator William Weaver
Goodreads | Book Depository | Amazon

Book description (taken from the back of my own copy):
In a garden sit the aged Kublai Khan and the young Marco Polo - Tartar emperor and Venetian traveler. Kublai Khan has sensed the end of his empire coming soon. Marco Polo diverts the emperor with tales of the cities he has seen in his travels around the empire: Cities and memory, cities and desire, cities and designs, cities and the dead, cities and the sky, trading cities, hidden cities. Soon it becomes clear that each of these fantastic places is really the same place.

“Of all tasks, describing the contents of a book is the most difficult and in the case of a marvelous invention like Invisible Cities, perfectly irrelevant” (Gore Vidal, New York Review of Books)

* * *

This book. How I wish I hadn't had finished it, because now it has come to an end and there will be no more. (Of course I could reread it again).

I'm forever grateful that I have discovered this gem. That I have read this book. I wish I could tell you - I wish I could describe it, and I wish I could elaborate what is it that has made me so warm when I read it passage by passage, when I was made stunned by the lyrical language that makes up the entire prose, a tale after a tale, each is so delicious and like no other that I wish I could read it as slowly as I could, in a vain attempt to make it everlasting.

Hidden messages. A portrayal of a city and its people, their happiness, sadness, foolishness, as well as grief, behaviors, desires, principles, pasts, memories, virtues, beliefs. A human being. A society. A community. A civilization. All are woven beautifully, almost like a drug, sedating and addictive, under the beautiful narration of Marco Polo the Italian merchant traveller, whose eyes have rejoiced in feast of the sight of the world and its cities. It is a fiction, not a biographical account indeed; yet the imaginary conversation between Marco Polo and the conqueror Kublai Khan could in fact turn out as real as it could be, regardless of everything.

During my childhood to adolescent years, I was the kind of girl who found simple happiness in conjuring up imaginary cities with its own traits and cultures and buildings, with a mix of fantasy: A quaint, charming little town in the riverside with potted flowers and wind chimes everywhere - and if someone took a stroll around the town square he could hear diverse chiming notes of melody in the air. Then I also imagined a village deep in the pine woods where the villagers - each family - lived inside a round, big tree trunk so wide in diameter (so their houses were actually built inside a tree) and each room was so thick with pine and earth and wilderness scents. There was also a city which spires and buildings and towers and walls were made of crystals that gleamed like pearls in the dusk, each shone in a different shade of color - brightened, glowed at a certain interval of time, like a pulse.

Perhaps it was because I played a lot of of RPG games. Most of them, usually, require you (the character) to travel in a quest from one village to the next, from one small town in a valley to a harbor town, from one big city on a rolling plateau to another big city in the middle of dessert. Even to the end of the world. I was so fascinated by these virtual villages/towns/cities that I could only see from the screen, and you won't believe me how the current me can easily reconstruct the very images of my favorite cities in games I played in the past so vividly.

(For example, Lindblum. And each of its district)

or Ritardando from Eternal Sonata

Which is one of the very basic reasons why I felt strongly compelled to pick up this book.

Marco Polo would tell you of a vibrant city with a multitude network of turquoise, sparkling canals and beautiful hanging bridges and balustrades. He would tell you of a city that builds an underground city just beneath the surface - which is occupied by the dead people of the city. He would also speak to you of a city that is built based on the blueprint of stars in the night sky and glimmering constellations.

Fret not, he won't tell you about that city's population or its statistics. He won't speak of its criminal rate.

Only that - as I've mentioned earlier - behind the images and its prosaic language, hidden messages and secrets are lurking, embossed with a thoughtful philosophy. An underlying conclusion. The visceral, inlaid meaning behind the obscured veil that, if you seek it out, it will be an unforgettable experience that is so personal and its effect is kind of long-lasting.

It's what beyond the surface. Which means, there's an element of illusory, contradictory, ambiguity, concealment, analogy, resemblance, surprise...  but then again, each of them makes up for what you call reality, without any exclusion. Because they are part of reality. They are part of civilization. They are part of life.

I'm sorry if it is confusing, but I guess you should read it yourself.

But I'll give some example, taken from a number of passages of the book:

"When a man rides a long time through wild regions he feels the desire for a city. Finally he comes to Isidora, a city where the buildings have spiral staircases encrusted with spiral seashells, where perfect telescopes and violins are made, where the foreigner hesitating between two women always encounters a third, where cockfights degenerate into bloody brawls among the bettors. He was thinking of all these things when he desired a city. Isidora, therefore, is the city of his dreams: with one difference. The dreamed-of city contained him as a young man; he arrives at Isidora in his old age. In the square there is the wall where the old men sit and watch the young go by; he is seated in a row with them. Desires are already memories.” 
***

"The city appears to you as a while where no desire is lost and of which you are a part, and since it enjoys everything you do not enjoy, you can do nothing but inhabit this desire and be content. Such is the power, sometimes called malignant, sometimes benign, that Anastasia, the treacherous city, possesses; if for eight hours a day you work as a cutter of agate, onyx, chrysoprase, your labor which gives form to desire takes from desire its form, and you believe you are enjoying Anastasia wholly when you are only its slave."  
***

"In the center of Fedora, that gray stone metropolis, stands a metal building with a crystal globe in every room. Looking into each globe, you see a blue city, the model of a different Fedora. These are the forms the city could have taken if, for one reason or another, it had not become what we see today...

On the map of your empire, O Great Khan, there must be room both for the big, stone Fedora and the little Fedoras in glass globes. Not because they are equally real, but because all are only assumptions. The one contains what is accepted as necessary when it is not yet so; the others, what is imagined as possible and, a moment later, is possible no longer."
***

"With cities, it is as with dreams: everything imaginable can be dreamed, but even the most unexpected dream is a rebus that conceals a desire or, its reverse, a fear. Cities, like dreams, are made of desires and fears, even if the thread of their discourse is secret, their rules are absurd, their perspectives deceitful, and everything conceals something else."
***

“A description of Zaira as it is today should contain all Zaira’s past. The city, however, does not tell its past, but contains it like the lines of a hand, written in the corners of the streets, the gratings of the windows, the banisters of the steps, the antennae of the lightning rods, the poles of the flags, every segment marked in turn with scratches, indentations, scrolls.” 
***

"You take delight not in a city's seven or seventy wonders, but in the answer it gives to a question of yours."
***

"Elsewhere is a negative mirror. The traveler recognizes the little that is his, discovering the much he has not had and will never have." 
***

"Also in Raissa, city of sadness, there runs an invincible thread that binds one living being to another for a moment, then unravels, then is stretched again between moving points as it draws new and rapid patterns so that at every second the unhappy city contains a happy city unaware of its own existence."
* * *

Again, I'm so grateful for having found this book. I never heard of Mr. Italo Calvino before, and I never heard people talk about him and his excellent works. At least most people, readers or bloggers, when talk about classics, would notably mention, for example, Austen, The Bronte sisters, Tolstoy, Thomas Hardy, Dante Alighieri, Machiavelli, Dostoevsky, Kafka, Woolf, Proust, or Hemingway. I don't know why or how, I never encountered the name "Italo Calvino" before.

But I guess, it was only me. Because I hadn't specifically looked for a book that belongs to Italian Literature. Nonetheless, I encountered Mr. Calvino's name through a blogger who remembered that she'd read this book with pure thrill - something along the line - she described it, so shortly, in such a way that made me curious enough to look for it on Goodreads.

My own thoughts, my own attempts to describe this book are probably, in the end, insufficient, unclear and incoherent. Or perhaps they lack of quality and do not even do justice. Or perhaps, too exaggerating. Having said that, I admit I'm still uncertain myself, as I'm not confident enough to define it.

It's just that, I feel deeply moved by this book.

And you see, there are various talented artists out there who have attempted to depict Calvino's Invisible Cities:



Awesome artworks of Invisible Cities, by David Fleck


Invisible Cities by Beatrice Coron



Thekla City by Janice


Olinda City by Shu Okada


Valdrada City by Shu Okada

Invinsible Cities by Lisel Jane Ashlock


Ersilia City by Tesseract

They are awesome, aren't they?