That Kind of Answer That's Still in the Making

Five months into 2016 and there's been a number of significant changes that affect my life already. While most of them are self-initiated, I'm not attempting to drastically change my life whatsoever. In fact, despite of road blocks or problems or shortcomings, I'm grateful for all the paths I've taken to come here, as well as for all the things that have happened. When I look back, everything has its own purpose (almost similar to what Marie Kondo points our in her book "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying up", about how every item we have in our house has its own purpose. Even a book we happen to read and dislike has served its purpose: It teaches us that we don't need it). And while everything keeps changing, I believe everything will soon fall into place (with God's permission, and my own will to make them fall into place).

I'm starting to have a clearer view of the very specific dream that I want to fulfill. The thought, vague at its best for years, is slowly taking shape and by now I'm able to picture it quite vividly. It's still a small picture, not a big one, but I believe it'll expand along the way as I continue working on it. How it'll turn out later, I don't even bloody know. Heck I don't even know if I could see it til the end, the fulfillment of it, but at least this thing keeps me alive like a breath of air - because I have something to fight for, that is.

People always tell you that you have to start doing what you love - it sounds easy but for some people and for some reasons, figuring out one's dream is not easy to do. Some people even choose to immerse themselves into their respective everyday routine instead of going out of their way to figure out what they themselves really like. Honestly, if I didn't experience trial and error and all the difficulties and internal turmoils, I believe I wouldn't find the answer myself.

And it strikes me so hard, that when you cannot find any answer to any of your questions in your current phase of life, then maybe there's no really answer for it at that time - because the answer is still in the making. Which means you need to keep on moving, doing anything - but not necessarily moving to deliberately find the answer and get your head to think about it all the time. If you have a hard time figuring out things that you'd love to do in life, or if you feel uncertain, maybe you can begin by figuring out things that you dislike first. At least we need to do something and keep on moving because if you just stay in the same place, the answer won't take shape.

Just like what Haruki Murakami says in his book "Kafka on the Shore":

“Time weighs down on you like an old, ambiguous dream. You keep on moving, trying to sleep through it. But even if you go to the ends of the earth, you won't be able to escape it. Still, you have to go there- to the edge of the world. There's something you can't do unless you get there.”