This is Not a Conclusion, But...

I dreamed of someone from the past last night. I sometimes had dreams about him - when other guys rarely (almost never) appear in my dreams, but this one... he does. Not always, not often, but every time I do, in the morning, I always wake up with this lingering feeling of profound longing - this morning is not an exception - which I have come to loathe.

I won't ask "why". Why he appeared in my dreams, a number of times. Why he stays, when I label him as "someone from the past". I have known, and am well aware of it. Of the reasons.

That's because, so many things, feelings, that we ever had in our hearts, were left unsaid. Deserted. Abandoned. Buried inside.

We were, perhaps, too young to understand. To confront our feelings. Unwise enough to think that letting go without sealing anything was wise enough.

Somehow, this keeps haunting me, faithfully. I let a deep corner of my mind being haunted, relished in its bitterness. Yet the whole part of me recognizes the loss, a definite fate that can no longer be disturbed, and my heart cries out for something that I could never have.

And I, as I said, have come to loathe this feeling, all the memories we ever had, my own self for still harboring, even the slightest, hope of encountering a chance to meet this person again someday...

and I hate him. So much. So much so that I want to hurt him so bad. But as I am only a pathetic person, I can only imagine and construct the whole scenarios of hurting him: me being happy in life and showing him how happy I have been, all this time.

Not that it will hurt him anyway. I doubt it.

But we will never know the depth of human's heart; what's affecting, damaging it or how it takes in every situation. This fact I know, simply because people do not know mine.

This is not a conclusion... but I steel myself, in the end, with a decision that I won't, and don't want, ever, to see him again.

And off to my own path.

If we ever cross paths, later, there might be another story.