When Morning Comes

photo credit: https://unsplash.com/dankapeter

I more often than not occasionally find myself in front of the window of my room every morning after waking up, opening the curtain to find the outside world usually bathed in pallid light, to witness the morning scene slowly unfolding in front of me without me actually being conscious of the act itself. Staring to the outside world from the second floor window of my house, which is unfortunately located in one of the bustling areas of the city, I familiarize myself more with the way people start the day. They way those office workers walk with their hurried steps, the way they stand with slumped shoulders as they wait for buses to, respectively, take them somewhere, some place, could be anywhere, really; some with a trace of sleepiness, some almost expressionless, some looking annoyed, some deeply brooding, buried in what I conclude as utter distaste mixed with consternation, probably not really anticipating what the day has to offer to them.

A Moment of Being, A Moment of Non-Being Thereafter

Yesterday was the birthday of a friend who has passed away. I got this notification email from Facebook and each letter which makes up her name immediately brought along a whirlwind of flashbacks, all washing over my me and my senses in the form of distant memories. It all happened briefly, mere seconds, but it evoked a feeling so profound, as if I was navigating through a storm and eventually bound to arrive in the eerie quietness in the middle, the storm's eye, with a realization repainted anew that... she's passed away. She's no longer in this world. 

What remains, is her tomboyish smile in my memory. A smile which is there when I close my eyes for a moment. Imprinted so clearly, as if freshly carved behind my closed eyelids. 

We were not that close. I couldn't recall talking to her even once when we were still in the same junior high school because we were never in the same class. After junior high graduation, I moved out to a different high school instead of continuing my study in my former school, whereas my friends at that time mostly stayed. I got to finally know her in my high school years later through our mutual friends, and suddenly every time I hung out with my junior high school friends she was there, the main part of the group, a person everyone in the group got really close with except me. They shared classes together, I didn't. 

But I tried to get close to her too. 

But we never were. We were not unfriendly toward each other, we just weren't close, is all.

Thoughts I Have on Solo Travel

I just came back from my first ever solo trip (yes, solo) and my friend asked me the next afternoon: "How was it like? Were you happy, really happy having taken this [solo] trip? Do you want to go again?"

It was fun and I was happy!

But there's a chain of quite different feelings strung together behind the word happy, which constitute my feeling of happiness.

There will be no sugary words in this post so you can expect realistic, honest feelings that I have about solo travelling. To sum it up, it felt like a dream. Okay, a realistic kind of dream.

But to explain in detail, I have to do it from the very beginning of my trip. 

Seven Life Lessons I Learned So Far in 2015

1. Just making a decision is not enough. 

One thing I should've naturally realized long ago but had never bothered to take a moment or two to reflect on myself. Our lives consist of planning, making and taking decisions, from the smallest to the biggest life-changing feats, and we do it everyday. Which book I should buy among the new releases? Which shoes I should pair up with my dress? Or when I drive, which route I should take that would be quicker to reach my destination? Simple and so everyday-related matters to work-related matters. And to, as I said before, big-life-changing things. A decision to move out of your parents' house and live independently on your own. To work overseas. To quit from your job and take a break. To start making your own business. And so on.

The fact is, it's simultaneously hard and easy to make and come up with a decision, but then when you've made it, your work isn't over.

Because you need to stay with it - with what you've decided.

Everyone can make a decision but not everyone can remain true to their decision. You want to become a writer and you try to write a story but then give up halfway. You go to college but do not finish it. You want to shape up and you intend to exercise daily and eat healthily but then you're getting lazy because you can't (don't want to, maybe) keep up with these new habits and eventually nothing's done. Things like that.

Of course it's not always the case. Let's say if I make a decision that puts me in a vain or an unfavorable situation, that harms me or in a way doesn't make me better as a person, it's definitely better to stop and pull out, and look for another way.

I'm just saying that it's better to think carefully before you decide something - and be responsible with your own decision.

2. Changing is not that bad. 

Getting out of your comfort zone is fun.

I won't deny that it'll be a tough time indeed, but consider it a period to toughen you up so that you'll be ready when you emerge on the other side. Really, if you see too far ahead it's not that good too. Some people may need to visualize how the future would be and plan everything step by step. But for most people I guess doing this can slightly or moderately diminish their courage to step forward because, hey, we human never like unknown things, right? Things that are unforeseeable. The uncertainty of it makes us uncomfortable, more uncomfortable that we allow ourselves to admit.

But yes, I admit, it's scary. Unknown things are scary.

That's why, just immerse yourself in the moment and in what you can do now so that you can find out yourself - that's how you make your own future. It's by no means controlling it - but what you do here and now will have an impact.

"Doing what you're afraid of, getting out of your comfort zone, taking risks like that- that's what life is. You might be really good. You might find out something about yourself that's really special and if you're not good, who cares? You tried something. 

Now you know something about yourself."

Amy Poehler

3. You'll never be ready for anything, my friend. 

It's true. I keep facing the kind of situation that requires me to be ready, which most of the time, I'm not. And it's quite frustrating, at least until I remind myself again and again of the above statement. Which rings so true.

Backtracking to my college days, I remember when it was my turn to do a 15-minute speech in front of so many classmates from another year batches, during the final exam of my public speaking class. I was memorizing my lines and my heart shrank because I wasn't ready, at all. Oh, cursed the timing. Everyone looking at me didn't make it any better - "What if I stutter? What if I forget my lines? I need more time to prepare. I need to practice once again so I can be ready." Do you have a similar experience?

And there's when I drove a car by myself for the first time. No matter what my body couldn't relax and I thought I wasn't ready at all, I still needed someone to sit in the passenger seat to supervise me. What if something happens on the road? What if I accidentally scratch the car because of an unsuccessful attempt at parking? Also when I thought of quitting my previous job but was troubled with what in the world I should do next - taking a break or looking for another job - but then this thought evaporated because I simply didn't have the courage to let go of my fixed monthly income at that time.

But speaking from real experiences, it's thrilling to summon up your bits of courage and finally do it. When I drove a car for the first time, I was quite nervous, but really in a good way. Halfway the ride I kept muttering, "I'm driving by myself I'm driving by myself" and when I arrived at my destination I breathed: "I did it. I did it!" my dad didn't know at that time and I only let him know afterwards :P

The same goes with me finally resigned from my previous job because honestly... working there didn't make me happy. I get that some people have their own priorities; they have a family and they need money to earn a living so a steady job is what they need. So you have to acknowledge that people have their own choices and personal consideration. But as for my consideration: I don't want to stay if it makes me unhappy. At least I've come to this decision after 1-2 years of pondering.

To conquer your fear and do what you are afraid of, and what you want (if you don't want it then you won't think about it right?), damn it feels utterly incredible and it gives you much confidence. Seriously it'll get better from that point on and because the accumulation of your confidence will make you start to believe in yourself. Confidence doesn't pop out magically, it comes with practice, And besides, I just read a quote from Tumblr that says,

So! In a quest to conquer your fear: Instead of finding reasons why you shouldn't do it, focus on ones that emphasize why you should do it. If it's not you who believe in yourself, then who?

4. Do things step by step, otherwise you'll get overwhelmed.

Because every step matters. And each is equally important and necessary to get you to the destination of your dream. And you have to experience patience first hand, anyway XD

5. We are all subject to external circumstances and it's quite inevitable that our happiness depends on such things; not that it's a bad thing

Well yes, they say you don't search for happiness because happiness is not something to be found; it's a state of mind and it comes from within yourself. Your gratitude over the smallest things, your kindness to others, your reasonable expectations, your humble, optimist outlook on life and your positive take on things, the ability to be wise and to easily adapt yourself in any kind of circumstances.

So it's true that you can actually choose to be happy, if you permit yourself to. It's wonderful, this quiet-kind of happiness, where you can be at peace and content because realistically speaking, not everyone can achieve that state of mind easily. At least not all the time; although some people may be an exception though.

But I personally think it's still true that we as a human being with our mundane thoughts are always subject to external circumstances. 

Ask yourself: What makes you happy?

For me, things that make me happy are :

1. When I see a new scenery, something like the view of a cityscape from above, rolling hills that meet the skyline, a flea market full of people, blue ocean with its waves, a cobblestone street full of shops and quaint houses, museums, anything.
2. Watching dramas together with mom. Simply, be with people I love and spend moments with them.
3. Creating something. Like crafting, designing, drawing or writing. And being acknowledged by others.
4. Waking up to the smell of something good like coffee or chicken sandwich or instant noodle ^^ because it's not an everyday routine (then suddenly becomes sad ^^;) 

5. A good book. So good that I think about it all the time even during work
6. Browsing books in a bookshop!! That kind of feeling when you touch a physical book and open its pages...
7. Going crazy with friends and cracking silly jokes. Simply have a good time with them

8. Fulfilling my own wishes, definitely 

9. Every time I receive kindness from other people. In the form of acceptance, trust, appreciation, concern, constructive advice and insight and inspiration, to things such as presents and free gifts XD (I have to admit it!)
10. When I snuggle on bed under the covers and I'd be grateful for the comfort I'm able and allowed to feel
11. I know this sounds overly poetic and trying (I'm not) but it's true: sleeping or waking up to the sound of light rain. It feels very cozy and peaceful.

And other things.

They are not in a particular order, just something I come up right away when I think about happy things. They're just simple and real things, nothing fancy, but smallest things matter too. 

As you see in my case, I am subject to external circumstances - a simple thing such as weather can boost or dampen my mood. I'm happy if the person I love is happy. I'm happy when people inspire me and I can inspire others. I'm happy if I discover a great book and I'm happy if people trust me.

And I'm not ashamed of that. This is what it means to be living.

And well, each person has their own definition of happiness, so let them be.

"I was something that lay under the sun and felt it, like the pumpkins, and I did not want to be anything more. I was entirely happy. Perhaps we feel like that when we die and become a part of something entire, whether it is sun and air, or goodness and knowledge. At any rate, that is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great. When it comes to one, it comes as naturally as sleep."

My Ántonia by Willa Cather

6. There's always something new to learn and try everyday, in every phase of life, no matter how old you are.

Try something you haven't tried before. Never eat a durian? Try and if you happen to hate it, then say so AFTER you have a bite. Try a book genre you haven't read before and listen to different music genres. If you've tried and you don't like it, then at least you have a solid reason why. If you like it, then it's good ^^

Just be open-minded and respectful. Don't dismiss stories, knowledge or advice from other people. Be humble and do a trade - and share them together instead. Life's too short to have a mind that's unreceptive to new thoughts and ideas.

I'm still learning and I'll be learning more things later as time goes by!

7. Forget expectation, just do your best and enjoy your ride!

It was really... a lot of work @.@

On Fulfilling Dreams and Becoming Stronger

So far in your life, have you had the opportunity to fulfill your dream? Not the kind of achievement that people (um. parents?) tell you to achieve - but that kind of dream that comes from the deepest fold of your heart, constructed from your very core and being, so strong in power that it's inextinguishable no matter how many times people - or you yourself - try to trample it?

If your answer to the question posed at the beginning of this post is "yes", then I guess you would agree that, when you come to realize that you did it; that you made it come true - it feels so much like a victory from a won battle. That it feels so, so, so good and there's this sense of accomplishment that makes you feel whole, and makes you think, "Ah, this is what it meant to be living. I'm living my life." 

Okay, maybe it's too exaggerating XD 

But anyway, you're proud of yourself and you start to believe in your own power. You find your life purposeful and meaningful, and you're happy.   

Then I guess you'll also be familiar with the feeling of wanting to fulfill your other dream(s); to, again, make a miracle, transforming your dream into something real so that you can feel it, see it, touch it, perhaps? Yeah, make it into being. Into reality. Like what you did previously.

It's not that you're greedy. It's not that you want to boast it around and be recognized by people. 

It's simply for the sake of living. 

Because that way, you are able to find reason behind the meaning of your own small existence in this world... which is good reason enough?    

I guess this is why I decided to finally act on another thing that previously had been a secret daydream: Travelling solo. 

Now, I don't know though, why I want to travel solo in the first place. That thought popped up in my mind one day like an impulse. Still, I'd thought about that impulse thought for months, debating with my own self the pros and cons of travelling solo - but amazingly the wish and the will to go were stronger than I'd first imagined for an impulse.

I entertained this impulse, made way for it to become more than an impulse just so I could see how it would turn out and how I felt about it. So I listed down places I wanted to go, means of transportation to go there - names of stations, and even went as far as which area I'd be going to stay at as well as budget.

Well... it became a full travel itinerary. My impulse, on the other hand, has gradually transformed into a confirmed determination.

It's just... exciting, to plan out everything. To see the places I want to see, at my own pace. Only my interests matter. I could decide everything almost immediately, and already I imagined myself strolling around the artsy street and seeing a local festival at a small outskirt town. Staying at a hot spring town and hiking through the pristine mountain area. And more rural towns and villages-visit kind of itinerary. 

Of course, imagination can only go so far as a mere imagination, where everything takes place inside your head. I am aware that there will be a number of significant factors, accounted or unaccounted for, that could affect any journey in reality such as unpredictable weather, language barrier, getting lost, or health problems such as headache or cold or muscle pain, for example. To sum it up, I will be relying on myself and I'm responsible for my own safety - my own journey in all its entirety. I'm still a realistic person that way.

Either way, I've booked a flight. Itinerary finalized, I've been preparing myself, physically and mentally. It's funny though that even now, less than a week til d-day, this decision itself still feels so surreal. I feel like, whoa, it has been decided? That I'm going? Things like that. Yes, I feel elated; I can't wait to go and see those places I've been wanting to see - the whole journey feels like it'll be a memorable, precious one for me. It'll be something like a quest, a pilgrimage perhaps. But sometimes I can't deny that I'm worried - which is normal, they say. The worry about the trip itself is almost nonexistent, perhaps made so because it's overshadowed by the worry over how my decision affects the people around me - family members, specifically. 

You know what they wanted in the first place? Of course they wanted me NOT to go. Mom and dad, actually, thought that travelling solo was out of question. Initially.

It still is, for dad.

Still, this journey means a lot to me. I can't quite place it in words... but it's more than about having fun. It's kind of personal for me too, I guess. Because, you see, fulfilling your dream makes you stronger, you know? And I want to grow stronger.

At times, I feel like an egoist. Though I guess I have the right to be so, since it is my own life and my own path to walk on. Isn't it right?

Bucket List 2015!

My Wishlist/Bucket List 

Since I wrote this list in no particular order, it may seem random when you read it between some point and the next. And a little bit too much, perhaps XD Still, I thought it would be good to have a list written down as a reminder, so I can always keep track of it easily - and eventually check it as "DONE"! 

So for a start:

1. Solo travel!

2. Live in an apartment with a floor-to-ceiling window in my bedroom, overlooking the city lights below. Or alternatively, even better, living in a cosy rooftop apartment. 

I actually want something like this:

Photo credit: Design Swan

3. Build a personal library - a roomful of books to call my own

4. Fall in love abroad, as inspired by Grease and Glamour's bucket list. And so... perhaps, date a foreigner? :)

5. Go to UVERworld's concert!!!

Photo Credit: http://www.en.barks.jp/news/?id=1000003980

I'm glad that I found UVERworld. Seriously. Their songs have saved me a lot of times. I'd never thought it was possible for songs to have that kind of effect on me - but it did happen. They save me from sadness and helplessness, from ultimate breaking down, from my own wicked self-belief that I was nothing. Nobody. Some of their lyrics make me tear up, yet they fill me with a bucketful of warmth and courage. I really appreciate the way they open my mind, making me reflect on myself a lot. If any, they make me believe in myself. 

They make me feel that I can do anything - even conquering the world!

6. Try a makgeolli! I've tried soju but what the heck I've been doing that I haven't tried any makgeolli at all for this long?

7. I hope more people would recognize Cups and Stories ;) 

Cups and Stories is something that me and my friend created together this year; a small creative business that was started out of shared interests - although the very idea of starting together was in fact almost out of the blue on my part (not on my friend's part though - she already had this project idea brewing for a while).

But anyway, I admit that I'm not an ambitious person with a set of killer marketing strategies. Well... this is not to say that I don't hope for a fantastic profit margin or a drastic increase of new customers inquiring our products and service or ordering everyday. Indeed it would be awesome; but what I primarily hope is, for Cups and Stories to constantly grow. No matter how long it takes - I just want it to grow and last, never stop midway.

8. Improve my Photoshop and design skills! 

I'm not a design major but I found myself enjoying it. Naturally I'm not as expert and as educated as those graphic designers who have the proper training and knowledge of design theories and skills and others- but still! I keep learning and it really motivates me when some people point out that they like my designs and appreciate the efforts I invest in something I create. It's not stunning, for sure, but at least my current work allows me to experiment and get more creative while at the same time polish my visual sense (of balanced composition, color combination, layout and placement, etc. etc.). Additionally...

9. Aside of skills, I really hope I could become more eloquently capable to apply and process ideas - my ideas and those suggested/requested by clients and other people - and get them materialized into a favorable design result that is aligned to what our clients have in mind.

I hope I would be more skillful in that department.

10. See more of my works in a printed form!

11. Be an expert in cardmaking like this, this, this, this, this, this, this.... #ugh #becomediscouraged

12. Meet Haruki Murakami and have an afternoon chat together! Forget lengthy conversation; even just a short chat and a photograph together are more than enough for me to remember for the rest of my life.

13. Go bungee jumping. 

I don't know why, it is something that scares me but inexplicably I do want to try it one day. I did a number of things last year that made me realize I'm not as chicken as I'd thought I was. To my own surprise, I rode a number of quite extreme rides and some were even related to height. I also rode on the world's 12th tallest ferris wheel ever constructed and the cabin that I rode was a clear-bottom cabin. Soooo you basically could see everything through the cabin floor @.@ it was only slightly scary at that time but strangely, now that I remember it again, it was twice scarier. Especially at the peak.

Hmm.

14. See the Northern Lights!!!

Photo Credit: Trip Advisor

15. And step on glaciers

16. Which actually means, go to Iceland!

Photo Credit: The Adventurous Mailbox

17. Do some ruin exploring. 

Photo Credit: http://www.fansshare.com/gallery/photos/12821042/sunrise-in-angkor-wat-sunrise/

Seeing the remains of great world civilizations around the world with my own eyes has always been a secret dream of mine. The tale and the history - don't you think it feels unarguably visceral and magical at the same time? Imagine walking through the ancient ruins of Machu Picchu or Angkor Wat or Petra, being somewhat linked to the past as your fingers touch the remnants of the centuries-old walls, mentally constructing the historical scene of the once existed civilization - all coming back alive even though it's only in your head. I bet that experience would be otherworldly awesome.  

18. Stargazing in NZ <3 <3 <3

Photo Credit: http://www.newzealand.com/in/article/celestial-new-zealand/

You can actually see an aurora too in NZ in winter. More <3 <3 <3 <3

19. Go to classical music concerts or piano recitals - basically all music festivals in Austria. 

http://www.austria.info/uk/events

Such as n outdoor concert held against the backdrop of a chateau or a palace.

Photo Credit: Vienna Weekends

Or a church concert

Photo Credit: Veltra

And a concert that takes place INSIDE Mozart's house! Triple WOW!

Photo Credit: Vienna Concerts

(dreamy sigh) 

20. Visit book towns across the world!

Hay-on-Wye, Wales

Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons

21. Be more more courageous in making my own decisions and expressing my wish, not tamed easily by fear. I don't want to be someone who kills her own dreams by making excuses.

I've been doing well so far, hopefully it could be better.

22. Become less hard-headed and be more accommodating and considerate. Be someone who can adjust fairly well to all kinds of situations happening around me.

23. I almost forget this (how could I!!!) but I want to see one of Joe Hisaishi's concerts someday! 

24. Retire somewhere in a place where I can see ocean and mountain at the same time. Or flower fields! Definitely somewhere like Jeju Island >.< 

Picture credit: Natco Holidays

You see, I recently watched Warm and Cosy  (also known as Jeju Island Gatsby, a Korean drama which has become one of my favorites of all time) and I've been so enthralled by the idea of living somewhere near the ocean, where you can sleep hearing the sound of rolling waves like a lullaby and wake up with the best good morning mother nature song ever.

25. Make this life of mine worth living, experiences worth telling. 

July 25th, 2015

Just fought with mom this morning.

Geez, seriously. It's been a while since the last time we'd fought.

Whenever I have some plans in mind, either it is an abstract plan, tentative plan, burgeoning plan, or even just a mere passing thought, she always tells on me - and my plans - to everyone in the family.

I hate it so much.

It's not like I haven't told her before about this.

Every plan in the making, my consideration toward a certain decision, something I have to ponder because I'm unsure whether to take it or not. I fervently dislike it if my thoughts are all told against my wish, particularly when everything's still uncertain and I need time to think it over. I'll usually inform them all once everything's started to become certain and solid. And ask for necessary opinion, if needed.

Which is why I freaking hate it when my semi constructed plan is spilled, out in the open, making room for harsh critics here and there when I'm not even ready. Just like a bad omen that threatens to shatter the foundation of my plan, and eventually that plan itself.

Guess I'm in the wrong too because I spoke out my uncertain thoughts to her in the first place.

Still. I'm upset and disappointed.

Wow. It's been a while.

We are in mid-2015 already and I haven't posted anything since last year.

Honestly speaking, it's been a tough year for me; a year where everything's changing, where every ripple created by every decision that I've (and people close to me) made and have to make will be reverberating throughout the course of my life ride ahead; and thus is frighteningly impactful. It's tough and frighteningly so because my choices, my current choices, will define who I am as a person. And it's double tough because I oftentimes do not feel confident in the direction where I'm taking myself to. Yes, I set the course, I own this expedition and I chart through my own navigation, no one is held responsible but me, which definitely should be an exciting challenge to conquer for those in their 20s. But for me, unfortunately, this thing that excited me in the first place has become all the more endearing in the process - and that's because I'm closely watched.

Yes, that feeling of being watched over by those people in your surrounding, and judged. It was as if you were held responsible for your every act and you were obliged to show some results to them because they gave you the freedom to make your own decisions.

Among friends and colleagues, I also hate it when everything's kinda turning out as some sort of competition - who's more successful, who achieves more, who marries well, etc.

I've been learning not to care too much. Well, I don't care most of the time; but then when this friend or that friend chats about this friend or that friend moves to work overseas or is getting married with one time or long time boyfriend bla bla bla - to sum it up, happy news - sometimes I'd be happy. Sometimes I'd be nonchalant simply because. But sometimes I'd also feel wistful. No, not envy, but slightly wistful - that I can't deny it.

I'm uncomfortable with this feeling because I'd feel all the more conscious of my own life. And thus arise insecurity. And doubt. Doubtful if I could make something meaningful out of my life.

Well, of course I could! It's just that this doubt becomes ever so present in my current state of life...

Because of that, I have to admit that I have entertained the thought of leaving my current place inhabited by those peering people to go somewhere else, someplace new with, of course, new people to get acquainted with. I'll only keep contact with a select few of my friends. You think it's coward? Ok, I don't even care how you interpret it. But one thing for certain is I'm not exactly going to leave the past version of me. I'll still be my own self, with my own history. I'm just embracing a new adventure that's akin to a new chapter of life, like being given a blank paper to write on.

That's only a delicious thought, though.

But you know, I oftentimes feel that if it was only me (with no people to please) I think I could have a lot of fun exploring my potentials. This chance actually allows me to rediscover myself - which  makes me think that I'll probably discover another part of myself again and again later - the process of which will be endless, perhaps. What I mean is, my own choices give me all the opportunities to make me understand myself better, specifically, of things I want to do and create. Of what I actually hate. Of places I want to go. Even of my own weaknesses. Those things, some were barely perceptible before, now have become clearer to me.

(And here you thought you already know yourself really well but actually you don't).

But that doesn't mean I am fully enlightened. I'm skeptic I will ever be, though. Because even until now, I'm still figuring out, like, almost everything. And damn it doesn't get any easier. You see, having things mapped out in your mind doesn't mean a smooth road ahead in reality - it's entirely a different thing, this and that. It irks me sometimes why it is so, why it is so hard to do those things in real life and get the expected results as planned in my head.

Argh. Forget expectations. I think I'll just have to sincerely give out my best in everything I do.

Please wish me luck.