We are in mid-2015 already and I haven't posted anything since last year.
Honestly speaking, it's been a tough year for me; a year where everything's changing, where every ripple created by every decision that I've (and people close to me) made and have to make will be reverberating throughout the course of my life ride ahead; and thus is frighteningly impactful. It's tough and frighteningly so because my choices, my current choices, will define who I am as a person. And it's double tough because I oftentimes do not feel confident in the direction where I'm taking myself to. Yes, I set the course, I own this expedition and I chart through my own navigation, no one is held responsible but me, which definitely should be an exciting challenge to conquer for those in their 20s. But for me, unfortunately, this thing that excited me in the first place has become all the more endearing in the process - and that's because I'm closely watched.
Yes, that feeling of being watched over by those people in your surrounding, and judged. It was as if you were held responsible for your every act and you were obliged to show some results to them because they gave you the freedom to make your own decisions.
Among friends and colleagues, I also hate it when everything's kinda turning out as some sort of competition - who's more successful, who achieves more, who marries well, etc.
I've been learning not to care too much. Well, I don't care most of the time; but then when this friend or that friend chats about this friend or that friend moves to work overseas or is getting married with one time or long time boyfriend bla bla bla - to sum it up, happy news - sometimes I'd be happy. Sometimes I'd be nonchalant simply because. But sometimes I'd also feel wistful. No, not envy, but slightly wistful - that I can't deny it.
I'm uncomfortable with this feeling because I'd feel all the more conscious of my own life. And thus arise insecurity. And doubt. Doubtful if I could make something meaningful out of my life.
Well, of course I could! It's just that this doubt becomes ever so present in my current state of life...
Because of that, I have to admit that I have entertained the thought of leaving my current place inhabited by those peering people to go somewhere else, someplace new with, of course, new people to get acquainted with. I'll only keep contact with a select few of my friends. You think it's coward? Ok, I don't even care how you interpret it. But one thing for certain is I'm not exactly going to leave the past version of me. I'll still be my own self, with my own history. I'm just embracing a new adventure that's akin to a new chapter of life, like being given a blank paper to write on.
That's only a delicious thought, though.
But you know, I oftentimes feel that if it was only me (with no people to please) I think I could have a lot of fun exploring my potentials. This chance actually allows me to rediscover myself - which makes me think that I'll probably discover another part of myself again and again later - the process of which will be endless, perhaps. What I mean is, my own choices give me all the opportunities to make me understand myself better, specifically, of things I want to do and create. Of what I actually hate. Of places I want to go. Even of my own weaknesses. Those things, some were barely perceptible before, now have become clearer to me.
(And here you thought you already know yourself really well but actually you don't).
But that doesn't mean I am fully enlightened. I'm skeptic I will ever be, though. Because even until now, I'm still figuring out, like, almost everything. And damn it doesn't get any easier. You see, having things mapped out in your mind doesn't mean a smooth road ahead in reality - it's entirely a different thing, this and that. It irks me sometimes why it is so, why it is so hard to do those things in real life and get the expected results as planned in my head.
Argh. Forget expectations. I think I'll just have to sincerely give out my best in everything I do.
Please wish me luck.
Honestly speaking, it's been a tough year for me; a year where everything's changing, where every ripple created by every decision that I've (and people close to me) made and have to make will be reverberating throughout the course of my life ride ahead; and thus is frighteningly impactful. It's tough and frighteningly so because my choices, my current choices, will define who I am as a person. And it's double tough because I oftentimes do not feel confident in the direction where I'm taking myself to. Yes, I set the course, I own this expedition and I chart through my own navigation, no one is held responsible but me, which definitely should be an exciting challenge to conquer for those in their 20s. But for me, unfortunately, this thing that excited me in the first place has become all the more endearing in the process - and that's because I'm closely watched.
Yes, that feeling of being watched over by those people in your surrounding, and judged. It was as if you were held responsible for your every act and you were obliged to show some results to them because they gave you the freedom to make your own decisions.
Among friends and colleagues, I also hate it when everything's kinda turning out as some sort of competition - who's more successful, who achieves more, who marries well, etc.
I've been learning not to care too much. Well, I don't care most of the time; but then when this friend or that friend chats about this friend or that friend moves to work overseas or is getting married with one time or long time boyfriend bla bla bla - to sum it up, happy news - sometimes I'd be happy. Sometimes I'd be nonchalant simply because. But sometimes I'd also feel wistful. No, not envy, but slightly wistful - that I can't deny it.
I'm uncomfortable with this feeling because I'd feel all the more conscious of my own life. And thus arise insecurity. And doubt. Doubtful if I could make something meaningful out of my life.
Well, of course I could! It's just that this doubt becomes ever so present in my current state of life...
Because of that, I have to admit that I have entertained the thought of leaving my current place inhabited by those peering people to go somewhere else, someplace new with, of course, new people to get acquainted with. I'll only keep contact with a select few of my friends. You think it's coward? Ok, I don't even care how you interpret it. But one thing for certain is I'm not exactly going to leave the past version of me. I'll still be my own self, with my own history. I'm just embracing a new adventure that's akin to a new chapter of life, like being given a blank paper to write on.
That's only a delicious thought, though.
But you know, I oftentimes feel that if it was only me (with no people to please) I think I could have a lot of fun exploring my potentials. This chance actually allows me to rediscover myself - which makes me think that I'll probably discover another part of myself again and again later - the process of which will be endless, perhaps. What I mean is, my own choices give me all the opportunities to make me understand myself better, specifically, of things I want to do and create. Of what I actually hate. Of places I want to go. Even of my own weaknesses. Those things, some were barely perceptible before, now have become clearer to me.
(And here you thought you already know yourself really well but actually you don't).
But that doesn't mean I am fully enlightened. I'm skeptic I will ever be, though. Because even until now, I'm still figuring out, like, almost everything. And damn it doesn't get any easier. You see, having things mapped out in your mind doesn't mean a smooth road ahead in reality - it's entirely a different thing, this and that. It irks me sometimes why it is so, why it is so hard to do those things in real life and get the expected results as planned in my head.
Argh. Forget expectations. I think I'll just have to sincerely give out my best in everything I do.
Please wish me luck.
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