A Self-Made Exile

Feeling somewhat numb. I don’t even know how or what I feel anymore, but it’s safe to say that I’m feeling all cloudy and down. Not sad… well, I’m unsure whether frustration is the same thing as sadness, or whether there’s always a slight indication of sadness in frustration. Heck I can’t even identify this sort of emotion. This may sound complex, but at heart, I’m pretty sure it’s a familiar feeling. Not a readable one. Perhaps this is an after effect of stressful sequences of events that had stricken me during the first half of the year. Perhaps this is a psychological reaction to all the exhausting consciences of my own duty as my own self. Or perhaps, this is a product of my own personal disappointment toward every upsetting thing that is happening nowadays, and we talk about the context of world society here.

I thought I didn’t hate rules. But then again, I’m so sick of them, sick of how we are all bound to the rules. And society. And their peering over our personal businesses. And their superficial setting. Sometimes, I fed up with everything. We seem to always please others before ourselves in order to be seen, accepted, in order to be approved. In one moment, I thought this was only a side comment of loathe coming from my cynical view and I felt the need to eliminate this feeling before it turned into a peril cancer, eating my nerves away. But the more I see it, they way it really appears like. Pleasing others; when the demand isn’t fulfilled, you’ll be likely exiled.

But anyway. It may or may not be related with the above rant, but it also occurs to me that I don’t want to live in all glamor or glimmering achievements. I still don’t know, though, but the idea of working hard to reach the maximum level of recognition and acceptance has slowly faded from my accomplishment list. I once wanted to become a person who would make others envy of me, either of my skill, brain, or job (now I sound exactly like my lecturer). I wanted people to talk about my distinguished qualities, because I wanted them to acknowledge my profile and position. But it has long gone from my entry. I would say… I’m no longer wanting to do such things, for life would be too tiring to live with such ambitious appeal. I still don’t know, but… I guess I’m going to appreciate my life more. By becoming happy. By living the life I have always wanted to live, with my own way. It may appear that I lack of ambition, but I don’t really want to choke myself with ambition, and live just quietly in peace. Sigh. No matter how many times I speak of it, it feels as if I’m backing away from something big and making myself look like a coward. It’s still a blurry view, but let’s just see. Life ride is unexpected anyway.

And now looking back at this entry, I don’t even know if I did make sense with my words. Damn, my thoughts are all jumbled up.