....

If only... we could summon the objects of our thoughts for real. When I miss him so much, it's just... it'd be better if his smile is something more than a mere memory in the back of my eyelids. "Nothing more"... those words are so bitter they hurt. Wishing distance could be lessened, could be graspable, could be fit within one's palm of hand. Wishing for things which couldn't be. Wishing for him to suddenly appear in front of you again. Wishing that you two could have another go, another chance to continue your own memories, making vague moments become more vivid, a chance to make them as real as they could be.

I'm stupid when it comes to love. I'm a fool. I can only regret and this hurts. This regret is eating me alive. It leaves me empty, aching. So many chances have gone wrong, probably all my fault, and that knowledge is something I can't quite digest because it's too painful.

Then it becomes unfair. It feels unfair because, hey, why does it seem that other people could obtain their happiness so easily like storybooks? How could they easily meet their destined ones and be happy? At this moment I don't particularly care about the untold story behind their smiles. I don't care if they undergo suffering too - because the fact is, they still are able to meet the right person and fall in love and it still screams unfair to me.

I hope this phase will be over soon.

October

The sky was striking blue, almost blinding. The hovering clouds above were like a bunch of cotton candy delights, strangely making my mouth ache and crave for something sweet so bad. The rolling waves of the ocean in the distance were lazy in movement, but still the sight and the sound of it were so soothing, at least to my senses.

Even if it was only a mere imagination conjured up in the middle of a late noon break. 

In reality, I was actually sitting in front of my computer, indoor, typing this up. I'm in a solemn, acutely somber mood, and I feel the need to go to a quiet place - I need a change of scenery. I need something sweet to chew, maybe some cookies, and then I'll just get lost in my own thoughts alone. Wandering, wondering.

That Kind of Answer That's Still in the Making

Five months into 2016 and there's been a number of significant changes that affect my life already. While most of them are self-initiated, I'm not attempting to drastically change my life whatsoever. In fact, despite of road blocks or problems or shortcomings, I'm grateful for all the paths I've taken to come here, as well as for all the things that have happened. When I look back, everything has its own purpose (almost similar to what Marie Kondo points our in her book "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying up", about how every item we have in our house has its own purpose. Even a book we happen to read and dislike has served its purpose: It teaches us that we don't need it). And while everything keeps changing, I believe everything will soon fall into place (with God's permission, and my own will to make them fall into place).

I'm starting to have a clearer view of the very specific dream that I want to fulfill. The thought, vague at its best for years, is slowly taking shape and by now I'm able to picture it quite vividly. It's still a small picture, not a big one, but I believe it'll expand along the way as I continue working on it. How it'll turn out later, I don't even bloody know. Heck I don't even know if I could see it til the end, the fulfillment of it, but at least this thing keeps me alive like a breath of air - because I have something to fight for, that is.

Masks

You know... I sometimes wear (different) masks on my face, intentionally or not, according to certain circumstances at a certain moment, and I believe other people also do the same kind of thing. Well, it's a habit formed and adopted without me really knowing about it - I have no idea when it first started. I think it's necessary to wear masks in society, albeit semi-transparent ones, since we all live in a world full of different individuals with their own values and perceptions, each harbors what one deems right or wrong, nurtured by different cultures and upbringings, that it's easy for us to clash with each other if we're not careful. Not to mention, code of conducts required in a certain social environment.

But I'm reminded again how scary a person can be, once she revealed what exactly beneath her mask. It's too exhausting to write down the whole ordeal here, but in short, I'm surprised, and definitely not in a good way. I'm a people observer, actually, and it's also a habit naturally developed since I first entered my teenage years. If I have to give one reason behind why I've developed this habit, maybe because I have always been a book reader who reads a lot of books and that makes me naturally have an inclined interest in human nature; their behavior patterns, the rationale behind their acts or words and other things. I guess that also makes me sensitive to other people's moods? I dunno. I still can't read everything.  

I'm Now at Peace

It's funny. I have always known that you would never be more.

Cardmaking!

I've been into card-making so much and I have to say (pardon my vanity) that I'm quite proud of having sent out these handmade cards to the my dearest friends last year. There are many card-makers out there who obviously make more adorable cards and they're really awesome! They're such an inspiration, and my favorite card-makers among many are Ms. Yoon Sun Hur, Ms. Yana Smakula, Ms. Anna Kossakovskaya, and Ms. Melania Deasy.

 I hope I'll make more handmade cards in 2016! In the meantime, here's the bunch of aforementioned handmade cards I made last year for birthdays and Christmas - all were sent out except one because I, til now, still haven't met this person and I mean to give the card to him in person :(

Anyway. I did enjoy making them so much!

When Morning Comes

photo credit: https://unsplash.com/dankapeter

I more often than not occasionally find myself in front of the window of my room every morning after waking up, opening the curtain to find the outside world usually bathed in pallid light, to witness the morning scene slowly unfolding in front of me without me actually being conscious of the act itself. Staring to the outside world from the second floor window of my house, which is unfortunately located in one of the bustling areas of the city, I familiarize myself more with the way people start the day. They way those office workers walk with their hurried steps, the way they stand with slumped shoulders as they wait for buses to, respectively, take them somewhere, some place, could be anywhere, really; some with a trace of sleepiness, some almost expressionless, some looking annoyed, some deeply brooding, buried in what I conclude as utter distaste mixed with consternation, probably not really anticipating what the day has to offer to them.