I honestly do not like family gathering; particularly when the host is one of my dad's side of family. I'm not doing any justice here, I think, when they are generally kind, full of inspiration... well almost all of them are living their lives successfully: tons of achievements, inspiring success... and rich.
Mine is... just average. Compared to them, at least. But that is not the ultimate reason why I really hate coming to their family occasions such as birthday party, engagement or wedding party, etc. It's because of its rigidity. Formally rigid, that I can't just be myself at all. It's suffocating. Not overly so, and it could be I'm just exaggerating things, since this story is told from my point of view. But oh well. I am naturally not an extrovert person, but when I'm in the midst of them, I feel more self-conscious and guarded, and eventually become more quiet than usual. Like a little girl I was before.
Honestly saying, there is also this pressure that only I could feel it. They are watching me. Watching who and what kind of successful person I am becoming. They never say it aloud, but looking into their eyes, I just know.
Which is why I always try if possible to make myself grow scarce, when it comes to attending my dad's family's occasions.
I've mentioned before, that I don't really want to live my life ambitiously by making glimmering achievements; because I just want to live quietly in this noisy world.
Still, I have my own aspirations and goals and achieved dreams (I'm not going to set them aside since they make me exactly who I am at the present), and I have my share of trials and errors, ups and downs, and I truly treasure those experiences because I came to have my own views of life, the knowledge of which is invaluable, indeed. Despite my mistakes and failures, I'm still proud of myself because I got the chances to learn and experience and become inspired and even have the privilege to meet a lot of inspiring people along the way and they, along with experiences, help me shape and reflect on my own views and I'm also able to share them with others...
But still, I am not an overachiever. I don't deliberately set up stepping stones to grab success. How do you define successful, by the way? I just want to live the way I want it to, so people burdening me with expectations (like my dad's family) or even predicting things for me or laying out future plans for me have become so annoying. Without meaning to, I have come to find them annoying.
Though I am sorry.
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