Nov. 18, 2013. 00.35 a.m.: The Time You Wish Could be Everlasting and Blissfully Endless

Don't want to give up the night. Don't want to give up its peacefulness and quietness and low profile. The time when you feel as if moments were suspended and stopped, that time only belonged to you, and that you were the only living being alive. The time when you can respectfully respond to the loudest voice of your mind. The time that you can be necessarily productive. The time when you look into your soul and collect your feelings, everything dedicated solely to yourself. The time you wish would be everlasting and blissfully endless.

Across the Seas

Across the seas and lands. Looking at the hovering clouds. Two different souls, building the stepping stones, choosing where to build and walking to the future. One sees only hazy path, one sees with determination and confidence over the soul-calling course. Their paths may be different, but their hearts follow the calls coming from the inside. Nonetheless, their walks are to different direction, a direction so far away from each other that the stretching distance feels so achingly painful, in which one may doubt whether their paths would somehow bend and form a sudden turn, from its straight line, and someday would cross.

Let go. Let it go.

Lost Orientation

I no longer know what I want, what to create of my future, because I feel like, I really want to hide from the rest of the world. Maybe it's just because I need to take a break so badly. I just long for the days when I was immersed, truly lived in the present moment, without worrying about my own future. Enjoying myself with a book in hands. But now, I feel like I'm just torturing myself. What have I made myself become? I lost orientation. I lost my passion. I can't even decide for myself.

Photobox Pics :D

Love this pics! We had fun decorating them :D

Anyway, I decided to go back to blogger again. Hopefully I can be as active as I am in tumblr XD

Blindfolded

This post may sound particularly sarcastic and negative. And I don't want to apologize for that because that's what I'm particularly feeling right now; and that  means I'm not the best version of myself presently and I despise myself for it.

I'm angry.

Funny how my friends seem very convinced that I'll succeed in everything I do. Funny because they're utterly sure that I can do it, that I can go through everything just fine, when I myself am not. I don't know how exactly they measure my ability - but there are times when I don't really appreciate that kind of thought. Well I should have - they believe in me and that should be a good thing.

But in fact, it's not. And in fact, I don't. Appreciate it. At all. Because they make it so easy like that and I dislike it.

I may fall. Face flat to the ground. And cry. And may not want to get up. And may want to stay there for quite a while, for how long I don't even know.

I have doubts. And it's not so comforting when people you know have a contrasting thought about you. Like they know everything. It's like, there's an expectation behind it. And when you, say, fail, those people perhaps will be amazed - as if they forget that you're also a human being. "How come?" they may say. Which is not surprising anymore. Then they'll comfort you and you come to a point where you question if the comfort they offer is genuine and sincere or just a mere product out of pity.

You don't know, right?

A Self-Made Exile

Feeling somewhat numb. I don’t even know how or what I feel anymore, but it’s safe to say that I’m feeling all cloudy and down. Not sad… well, I’m unsure whether frustration is the same thing as sadness, or whether there’s always a slight indication of sadness in frustration. Heck I can’t even identify this sort of emotion. This may sound complex, but at heart, I’m pretty sure it’s a familiar feeling. Not a readable one. Perhaps this is an after effect of stressful sequences of events that had stricken me during the first half of the year. Perhaps this is a psychological reaction to all the exhausting consciences of my own duty as my own self. Or perhaps, this is a product of my own personal disappointment toward every upsetting thing that is happening nowadays, and we talk about the context of world society here.

I thought I didn’t hate rules. But then again, I’m so sick of them, sick of how we are all bound to the rules. And society. And their peering over our personal businesses. And their superficial setting. Sometimes, I fed up with everything. We seem to always please others before ourselves in order to be seen, accepted, in order to be approved. In one moment, I thought this was only a side comment of loathe coming from my cynical view and I felt the need to eliminate this feeling before it turned into a peril cancer, eating my nerves away. But the more I see it, they way it really appears like. Pleasing others; when the demand isn’t fulfilled, you’ll be likely exiled.

But anyway. It may or may not be related with the above rant, but it also occurs to me that I don’t want to live in all glamor or glimmering achievements. I still don’t know, though, but the idea of working hard to reach the maximum level of recognition and acceptance has slowly faded from my accomplishment list. I once wanted to become a person who would make others envy of me, either of my skill, brain, or job (now I sound exactly like my lecturer). I wanted people to talk about my distinguished qualities, because I wanted them to acknowledge my profile and position. But it has long gone from my entry. I would say… I’m no longer wanting to do such things, for life would be too tiring to live with such ambitious appeal. I still don’t know, but… I guess I’m going to appreciate my life more. By becoming happy. By living the life I have always wanted to live, with my own way. It may appear that I lack of ambition, but I don’t really want to choke myself with ambition, and live just quietly in peace. Sigh. No matter how many times I speak of it, it feels as if I’m backing away from something big and making myself look like a coward. It’s still a blurry view, but let’s just see. Life ride is unexpected anyway.

And now looking back at this entry, I don’t even know if I did make sense with my words. Damn, my thoughts are all jumbled up.